Facing the hidden pain and releasing addiction

I am an ex-drug abuser. I mainly used meth for about three years. I struggled to get clean and convince myself I wasn’t so bad. I was trying to figure out how to get my daughter back. I would do good sometimes for as long as 30 days. For whatever reason, I wouldn’t step away from the people. Why was this so hard for me? What was I running from?
The answer to that is pain. I was running from the pain of childhood traumas. My Dad committed suicide at just 13. I was running from the pain of being in a strangely mentally abusive relationship when I was just 17. I dabbled here in there in drug use but was never an addict. This couldn’t be me.
I didn’t want to be an addict. I wasn’t sure I could change. I decided to face my hidden pain. I had to deal with it. I had to get clean. I had to be a better mom. I had to be a better person. “I am so much more than just an addict.” I would tell myself this over and over again.
I had to get real. Until I faced my pain, I would never heal. I would never get better. I would continue to drown myself in my addiction. So I did. I decided to take my power back. I started by turning myself in on the multiple warrants I had. Funny how those pile up while you’re in addiction but have never been in trouble your entire life. That catapulted me into my freedom.
I went to jail. I received my sentence. I went to work release. I was drug tested. I was required to attend meetings at the facility. Meetings where we talked about the shit things that have happened to us. We talked about our struggles getting out of this crazy insane cycle. We talked about how we let our families down our children down. We talked about our futures. We made life plans. Sober plans. What would our lives be like with no drugs?
Some of us made all those dreams come true. Some of us did not. Many lost their kids altogether to grandparents or friends who offered to help. Quite a few never got clean and still run the streets or have ended up in prison. Again. Some died at the hands of the demons they danced with. The demons they so fiercely defended and thought helped them cope. It breaks my heart to think of how many lose the battle before they can conquer it.
Facing the hidden pain will save your life. Finding a program is vital. Ensuring you have someone to talk to is the other key. I always suggest finding professional help of some kind. A peer counselor and sober coach always help too. But you must work some program and walk through all the steps. No one else is coming to save you. You must take your power back from whatever traumas have happened to you. Take back your control and choose yourself! You don’t have to be an addict. Break the stigma! Break the cycle!
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. To receive help now.

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